If
you remember back, I told you about a kid who died the day of prom,
a kid that I had no emotional attachment to but that I pretended to
so that I didn't ruin the mood that I thought might get me kissing.
You know? because I'm a heartless jerk. Well brace yourself it gets
more jerk-like and more heartless if you continue to read, so if you
had an unreasonably high expectation of my strong moral fiber look
away now before it gets worse. I will let you know when you can look
back and thus leave your high opinion of me unblemished. The funeral
for this guy was the next Friday, the day after I got kissed
actually, and I wanted to go because everyone who was anyone was
going. They would cry and they would hug girls and they would get
sweet kisses from their girlfriends. My friend Cole who is burdened
with a sense of authenticity about his character was very skeptical
about a bunch of posers going to pretend they were sad for a kid they
didn't even like in real life. While I was talking to Cole I agreed
with him and said there's no way I'd go. I didn't know him and I
didn't care about him so why should I go it would be cheap, right?
But then when my girlfriend said she was going I forgot all about my
strong convictions and emotional authenticity and loaded up and went.
My friend Cole was pretty disappointed. When I was there and
listening to his family and friends talk about what a great guy he
was and how it was so sad and all those things I felt nothing. My
girlfriend was crying so I did the great old fake-out - looked sad
and then put my hands on my face and rubbed my eyes a little so to
look like I might've been crying. If this seems like an insanely
shallow thing to do that is because it was. After the service for the
kid that I didn't care about in any genuine sense, but saw as an
opportunity for my personal gain I did get some nice hugs and some
sad looks and that night, some more kisses. I have done lots of
crappy and shallow things in my life but for some reason this
disingenuous sorrow for the dead stuck in my mind is a particularly
turd-ish thing to have done. Cole let me know it was a particularly
turd-ish thing to do when I went back to school and saw him. That's
what friends, good friends, are for. They will not lie and tell you
everything is good when something is bad. If you have been looking
away you can look back again, I'm done saying all the crappy things
about my personality, until tomorrow.
