Some Stuff Happened and Then Some Other Stuff Happened.
Emergency Room For Fake Appendicitis
It Will Try And Kill You If Given Half A Chance. In Fairness, It Was Framed For This Job
There was a time I got to go to the emergency room for what ended up being what is known in the medical community as 'Fake Appendicitis'. As a child I had that trauma bug and had been to the emergency room lots of times for very real reasons so I thought I knew when a trip to the old Eee-Argh was justified. One night as I was sleeping I woke up with an immense pain in my guts region. My mom was asleep in her bedroom so I mustered the strength to crawl over and knocked on the door. She came out and almost stepped on me while I writhed and groaned on the floor at her feet. I had a fever and it hurt so bad that I could barely stand up or walk, I was in bad, bad shape. My sister had an emergency appendectomy two years earlier and we were aware that may be the problem so I was rushed off to the hospital. When I got there they gave me a bed and pain killer and then took a blood sample to test and see if I was infected with something. My mom sat by me there in the middle of the night reading a news magazine to me. We were laughing about something in it that caused me a great deal of pain but was worth it because it was funny. The doctor came in and palpated my tum-tum and said he needed to see the results of the blood test but if it was my appendix I would need to get it out. I was kind of excited by this notion because it would make for a cool story and some real honest to goodness sympathy and attention. I hoped that this pain in my guts could net me some sweet, sweet, convalescence as well. All day watching movies, reading books, and playing video games, is a 13-year-old's Shangri-La. Unfortunately for me it was far worse news, the blood test came back negative and the X-ray of my guts seemed to show lots of poop was the actual cause of my pain. The doctor ordered up not a glorious and honorable appendectomy but the most shameful of all medical procedures – the enema. The long-suffering night nurse had to roll me on my side and gave my bottom some medicine, which had an almost instantaneous effect. I was up in a dash to the toilet. As far as bowel movements go this was quite voluminous and a quite expensive one. My parents would have probably preferred, all things being equal, for me to have defecated in our home facilities at a very low cost as opposed to the hospital's very pricey accommodations. It turns out that while my dad would have not been super happy about having to pay for an appendectomy but he would have because it would save my life. He was very cranky about paying 500 dollars for me to poop. My fake appendicitis was and still is a fun joke between my mother and I. In the end what price can you place on a memory? The obvious answer is $500.
