I had a problem of wanting to be in the limelight and being terrified
of being in the limelight. Whenever there were public speaking
opportunities in school or church I always volunteered. I was
sincerely planning on doing it when I volunteered but then I would
start to think of how nervous I would be and I would start to get
second thought. Second thoughts would become third thoughts and third
thoughts are a dark place in my mind which is right next door to
equivocation. Finally, as the day and time approached I would be in
full retreat not even bothering with rationalization. I would
sometimes just 'forget' the occasion and try to miss the whole event
or at least appear so unprepared that the MC would recognize I must
have forgotten and let me off the hook. If the situation was dire I
would fake sick sometimes getting the back story established the day
before to make sure that I was believable. One time when I was faking
sick to miss giving a talk in church I had stayed home and was taking
a nice hot bath when my brother burst in on me and told me that my
dad had told the congregation that I was home but if I had a talk to
give he would round me up. Instead of talking first the allowed me to
move into the back time slot giving me time to get to church. I got
dressed and walked the two blocks to the church in abject terror
barely able to breathe and feeling like I was going to pass out. I
made it before the close and walked up to the podium and choked
something out and felt vindicated somehow. This seems like a time
where I would have learned my lesson because my bluff was so
spectacularly called but the next chance that I had to take on the
public speaking responsibilities I jumped at the chance and then
didn't show up. Over the years I flaked on virtually every possible
performance from speaking, to musical, and even dance. If I could
volunteer for it, I did and then I didn't.
