I don't know if I made it clear enough but I was really sensitive to
being 'whoo, whoo-ed' even when it was by mostly good natured
teasers. I was also mortified by the idea that my girlfriend might
want to hold hands at school where I could be teased, Finally, and
this was a biggie, I had never kissed a girl on the mouth and just
the idea of it would cause me to hyperventilate a little and start
planning my exit like a man leaving a burning building. For all these
reasons my relationship with my first girlfriend was getting off to a
rocky start. Where we had developed some effortless and fun chemistry
in our interactions before we were official I suddenly was very self
conscious about talking to her and our conversations were really
stiff. I also have a tendency to not look people in the eye when I
get nervous or am unsure what to do in the social situation I am in
and that is disconcerting to exactly everyone who is not autistic. So
my days had become a over-thought maze of avoidance and carefully
planned interactions that left no time for any PDA potential. When I
did see her I would try and give her a quick wave and head on my way
while she look at me confused about why I wouldn't come over the
twenty feet to talk to her and share a laugh or two. When I got home
though I was just fine I could be charming and funny and engaging on
the phone because no one could see me and there was no chance that
she would be able to try and cuddle up and kiss me. So every day when
She or I would call she would always first want to know why I never
talked to her at school anymore and my excuses were starting to get
more and more ridiculous. On the second week of our 'going out' she
had made some plans for us to get together Friday night at the
movies. Oh, crap. There was no way that I was going to go into a dark
secluded place with a potential kisser it was just not safe. It was
Wednesday when she told me the plan and it sent me into a tailspin of
anxiety. I told her that sounded awesome and that I would definitely
get a ride over to the movie theater to meet her on Friday. I was
lying, there was no way in hell I would be going but I didn't know
how to get out of it. I thought I could frame up my mom and tell my
girlfriend that I was grounded or something but then I thought it
would only delay the inevitable. My life had been miserable as a
committed man and I decided I needed out. It also did not help that I
was getting a constant stream of mockery from the guys in gym class
who inexplicably accused me of being a homosexual for having a
girlfriend. An example, “Gause, are you really going out with
Sarah? You are such a fag.' - and punch shoulder. I was not yet
confident enough in my rhetorical skills to point out in a funny way
that I was they guy with the girl while they were having a dude's
night in on the weekend. I called my girlfriend up on Thursday and
told her that we needed to break up, and here is where it gets
classic, but I still wanted to be friends. I did really want to be
friends but ones with no chance of being kissy face friends. She
started to cry a little and asked me why and for some ridiculous
reason and with a little bit of very tenuous logic I claimed that one
of my good friend-girls, the one who was always trouble, from
Santaquin said I should break up with her. As I write this I am
ashamed of what a coward I was that I had to throw a friend under the
bus in a misguided attempt to save face. I am not even sure what I
was trying to get across with my weird excuse but that is why
twelve-year-olds should not have girlfriends, because it is
ridiculous. We stayed friends until she moved away a few years later
in high school, we were never kissy face friends.
