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| Majestic, regal, and five bucks a pop. |
I had very few pets growing up and the ones I did have were usually
family pets. I changed my no pet policy when I was talking to a guy
at the pet store who told me that a breeder could sell Guinea pigs
for five dollars a piece. With visions of my vast guinea pig fortune
impatiently waiting to be made I rounded up a cage and feeders and
then invested twenty dollars in a boy one and a girl one. Well, they
took their dang sweet time making me a guinea pig mogul. It started
to seem like they were going to cost em more then they were going to
make me. I should have been leaving the lights dim, playing some
Barry White and putting just a touch of a tastefully expensive wine
in the water bottle. Then again I could have also just let nature
take it's course but I was impatient and a few months to a little boy
seems like an eternity when my little five-buck-a-pop miracles were
waiting to be born and sold. Finally, after three weeks I noticed
that the female was pregnant and we were on our way. It took two
months for the babies to come out and the whole time the mommy and
daddy wanted to be fed right out of the profits I hadn't got yet. The
babies were born four of them and I was ready twenty bucks was
practically mine. I arranged for my mom to take me back to the pet
store but she said I had to wait for the little pigs to ween. Why
does everyone hate the honest business man? All I wanted to do was
take some un-weened infant guinea pigs and sell them for top dollar
and my mom, the freedom hater, said she wanted them not to die. So, I
waited. They were off the teat in three weeks and I loaded them up and
took them to the pet store. The owner, who was surprised to see me
with pigs to sell. said he was speaking hypothetically when he said
someone could sell guinea pigs for five dollars each, not making a
verbal contract and purchase order for as many as I could breed.
Well, crap. Now besides not having 20 dollars cash I now had six of
these hungry little cusses to feed. I kept the mommies and daddies
separate after that just to keep love making to a minimum. That arrangement went on fine for a time and I actually got to like the
pigs as pets with the profit motive removed. Then one day when my
little sister and my idiot cousins came over to play while I was gone
they got all six of my pigs out and were playing with them. When I
got home all six were missing and the girls had no idea where they
could have gone. I looked all over the house and even outside. I held
out hope that the fat little pigs could run and play in the wild and
form a colony but I never saw one develop. After a few weeks I finally
came to grips with the fact that they were probably not coming back
and took their cage out and was opening the five gallon bucket I used
for a food container when I discovered what those little idiots had
done with my pigs. All six were suffocated and rotten inside the
sealed food container that I had not looked in because they had not
needed food since they went missing. It was horrible they were sticky
piles of half rotted mush and the stench was overwhelming. I was
furious so I went and gave my dimwit sister a whack in the head for
killing my pigs and a few proxy whacks for the moron cousins that
were out of range. I buried the pigs and cleaned out the cage and
moved on but I had a lot of hate in my heart towards my cousins for a
long time after that.
