After We hit it off at a free for all dance my new romantic interest
from Delta invited me to come with her to a date dance at her school.
I agreed because I thought it might be a good opportunity for some
sexy time and the upshot of having a distant girlfriend is that you
can have a local one as well and no one will ever know. What I forgot
about was the territorial pissing of the local hillbillies and their
shriveled and under-developed senses of humor. On date dances it was
usual to go as a group, do an activity, go to dinner, go to the
dance, and then do an after activity. Quite a commitment of time and
money and there is no guarantee you will have fun or like your date's
friends and their even more distantly associated boyfriends. I
thought it would be okay and I was wrong. I drove down in the early
afternoon in my mom's Toyota Tercel wagon which is basically the
ugliest car ever produced in the history of the world. When I rolled
up my date came out and gave me a hug and was generally pretty cuddly
which I took as a good sign. I met her mom and dad and then she rode
with me to meet her friends to go ride some ATV's. We got to her
friend's boyfriend's house and the mood got downright chilly when I
walked in. I might mention that I had long hair at this point in my
life and in deep hillbilly country long hair was supposed to be
incorporated into a nice well permed mullet not some faggy surfer
look. While we waited for the rest of the couples a few of the guys
bolstered in their courage by their numbers started to make louder
and louder asides about how I looked like some kind of skater queer
and that my car was also homosexual. It seemed like they were hoping
to start a fight and I did not like my odds. The trick to avoiding
fights when you are a smart ass is to not look like you want to avoid
the fight, bullies are easily spooked by confidence. Truth be told
not many people really want to fight they just want to stand over
someone and bark so that heir friends can see how tough they are. I
took the offensive and walked up to the three boys making the asides
and introduced myself and acted like I never heard there stage
whispered insults. They had no idea what to do when directly
confronted and started to squirm and fidget as I engaged them in some
small talk. As a subtle jab about the long hair double standard I
asked the ring leader about his ramen noodle looking luxuriantly
shiny mullet if it was naturally curly or a perm.
 |
| Seriously, his hair looked exactly like this but less delicious. |
He was caught off
guard and replied that it was a perm. I pretended to be fascinated
that guys got perms and followed up with a question about weather he
went to the salon for that or if his mom did it. I also asked how
often it needed to be touched up to remain in top form. He was at a
complete loss seeing that he was not on the gay looking hair high
ground and was clearly uncomfortable with the tack this conversation
was taking. His two friends were obviously the small fish and with
their leader being interrogated about beauty regimens they became so
uncomfortable that they just laughed uncomfortably and made weak
jokes about how it was funny that he got perms from his mom. They
lost interest in the conversation and wandered off and left me to my
own devices to chat up the ladies as we waited, in vain as it turned
out, for the rest of the crew to show up for the ride. Then we went
to dinner.
