I
had missed one other required class for graduation and that was
chemistry. It was a class that was generally taken by sophomores but
I had been in AP physics which somehow does not fulfill the physical
science requirement that chemistry did. Either way at least my friend
had missed it too and I ended up in a class with almost all
sophomores including my brother and his friends. The teacher was
ex-military and current psychopath who was right on the tipping point
of rage and outburst all day, every day. It would seem that someone
like that would be a bad fit for someone with my predisposition for
smartassery but we hit it off from the first day and every day
subsequent to that. There was another kid in the class with the same
disruption disease and he was not so fortunate as to fall in the good
graces and anytime someone was going to get yelled at for anything it
seemed to be him. I actually liked the kid a lot and we had always
had good rapport but for every joke I got off that gave the teacher a
chuckle this poor guy was getting yelled at for basically the same
antic. His last name was Bird and that is all that he would call him
and sometimes just yell or say 'Bird' in a tone that indicated
warning and great displeasure. The teacher also used him as the butt
of his often crude scientific metaphors. When he was teaching us
about measurement and significant units he mentioned that kilometers
would measure the distance from the earth to Uranus making units like
a centimeter or millimeter irreverent in a measurement of that size,
while meters would measure the distance from his foot to your anus,
Bird, and in that case the difference of a few centimeters might mean
the difference between correction and child abuse. At this point he
would show how a toe forward kick to the anus would most likely
constitute abuse while a side footed kick would be simply
disciplinary. A distinction that I am not sure holds up in the most
strictly legal sense and was most likely not found codified in the
schools official policies regarding pedal-anal contact in terms of depth and toe orientation. A tragic oversight and a dang shame if there were no
line-drawing illustrations with the incorrect foot orientation
crossed out with a red barred circle and the correct foot position
accompanied by a green check mark. No doubt some liberal kumbaya-pothead-hippie had made it so that there
was supposedly no appropriate manner in which to kick a student in
the butthole, disciplinarily or otherwise, never, ever, with no consideration for foot positioning. Tragic.
