When the older boys had moved on from youth basketball I got a more
featured role and because we didn't have a very dedicated coach I
also ran practice. The main problem with church ball is that it is a
very casual group of basketball players and I wanted to drive them a
little harder to develop then they wanted to most times. They would
humor me and run a drill or two but then there would be mutiny and we
would just play ball the rest of practice. They would all show up for
games ready to go though and that is when we really needed them so I
would just say passive-aggressive things and let them off if we won
and if we didn't I would throw in some - 'we could have pulled ahead
there at the end if you would have drilled that in practice' type
stuff. A typical game for me was running the point-center position. I
was the tallest on the team at 5'11” so naturally I played center,
and I was also a ball hog so I needed to bring the ball down the
floor every time. My third job was to talk a non-stop stream of trash
so that the other team lost focus on basketball and just tried to
assault me. The free throw was my best and most consistent offense so
the more the merrier. Every time I brought the ball down the court I
liked to be singing a little beat-'A' hair band rock in my head to
get the mood right. I was really big into Gun's and Roses, Metallica,
and AC/DC so it was not uncommon for me to be mentally humming a
little Paradise City, Sad But True or Back in Black. Once the mood
was right I would survey the court and make a little plan for the
play and the pass or fake pass. Finally as I engaged the defender I
would begin the chatter in earnest. Weather we scored or not when I
went down on defense I turned up the abuse and really went to work.
“That was a great pass, there was no one where you threw it but it
was a good pass.”
“Shoot! You're good from there, oh dang you missed, you were not
good from there, crap!”
“(I would pretend to say this to my team) Don't worry about the his
left, he can't go left, his left hand might as well be painted on.”
- This most often resulted in the poor guy being baited into
switching to his left hand which really was not a good move for most
casual basketball players and I would be there to steal it. Once I
used this technique on a boy who was a little more violent them the
average hard foul retaliator and when I had stolen the ball and was
driving for a lay-up he just tackled me from behind so I fell strait
back onto my head and was knocked out. He was kicked out of the game
and while he was leaving he was yelling that I had brought it on
myself with my non-stop smack talk. I got up and shot my two and
because they were without their best,and most violent, player we had
no trouble putting them away. If I know anything it is that a win in
a youth church basketball game is worth a little coup and heck, it is
even worth some contra-coup.
