I am not a cat person, that is not to say I am a dog person either, I
am a animals-should-not-be-in-our-houses person and I don't like
extra chores. For example, I have a device, for the humans in my house, that whisks my
excrement off and away and automatically refills itself for another
use. With a cat you get all of the joy of picking through some stinky
poop dirt and throwing it out by hand, like a gosh danged cave
person. It is the future people, poop of any species should not be handled. Now, we don't have the jet packs we
were promised, but dagnabit have we not progressed any further in our
excrement disposal technology then letting a aloof feline poop in
some nice smelling sand contained in Tupperware for us to clean up later.
Imagine if one billionth of the time and effort that has been put
into smart phone games, development and play time, had been put into
poop management systems we would have real-time disposal and truly
odorless cat-ladies. I have not digressed onto that little rant
because I had never gress-ed and therefore could not have digressed.
The gression that I was going to gress before I meandered over to the
comically fruitful plain of feline feces and plucked some low hanging
fruit was about a time that Justin and I saw a cat die from drinking
anti-freeze. We were at his house after school and found his new
mother cat in deep distress under the cab-over portion of a camper
that was resting on the ground. She was breathing heavily and was
meoweling horrifically in considerable pain. We tried to make her
comfortable because even though we were not cat fans per se
there is a need for even rough boys to save the day. After an hour of
horrible suffering she aloof the sudden shot strait up ran in a
circle horizontally and then ran in one vertically using the cab-over
for her upper floor and a barrel for her vertical decent. She yowled
one last pathetic time and was dead. After she died she threw up some
antifreeze as her body convulsed. Now that we knew the cause of death
there was only one logical explanation, a convoluted plot by the
neighbor to kill the cat and make it look like an accident. They had
a crazy old lady and her reclusive thirty something son living in a
house across the road that was always hassling us and yelling about
someone stealing stuff from her. Our logical assumption was that by
no accident that old lady or her son had compelled the unfortunate
tabby to drink the common, but poisonous, automotive fluid by subtle
trickery and subterfuge. We snuck over to look for evidence, we
didn't find any, that only meant we were dealing with one of those
extra sneaky cat murderers that take pains to cover their tracks. We
decided on planning a revenge suitably gruesome to adequately punish
someone who would kill a cat with the cowards weapon of poison. We
thought of lots of great and funny plans but ran out of time to exact
sweet vengeance before it was time to go home for dinner, homework
and bed. We planned for several more day but the pure white hot fury
of seeing a murdered cat had cooled in our hearts and that combined
with cowardice led us to abandon the execution portion of our
retributive plans.
